Finding My Way

The last time I blogged, I talked about finding out about my breast cancer returning and my complete reluctance at having to face it again. Well, even though I am a child of God, I have faith and I know that God will see me through; it doesn't deter the human side of me.  I am finding that I am still frustrated, worried and in utter anguish despite my relationship with him.  I find myself asking, what possible reason could he have for allowing me to go through this again?  What is the meaning behind it all?  What would you have me learn Lord?

Not only did I have breast cancer again but it had spread to other parts of my body.  And if that wasn't enough to digest, there was also a really good possibility that it would not be operable or treatable, which would in all likelihood make my condition terminal; hence my questions to the Lord.  So, I have decided to go forward with a double mastectomy on this coming Monday followed by a chemotherapy regimen that I have already begun to take in pill form.  I realize it is a blessing not to have to have my port re-inserted just so I can sit for hours at a time and have poison pumped into my system, however it is little consolation right now.

I will have to undergo breast reconstructive surgery after I have healed; approximately 6 months to a year after this ordeal as well.  I have been advised by my physician that it will take at least 6-12 months to determine if the area on my lung and inside my chest behind my ribcage are still benign and shrinking in size.  It will certainly feel a lot longer than any 6 or 12 month period I've ever lived through before.  It'll be more than enough time to wonder if all the cancer has been removed along with my breasts or still running rampant in other parts of my body.  More than enough time to contemplate my own morality.  More than enough time to tell those near to my heart how much I love and appreciate them.  More than enough time to pray and talk to God.  More than enough.  More than enough time to wonder if I will be able to see my grandchildren grow up.  More than enough time to wonder if I will have the opportunity to grow old with my husband.  More than enough time to see if all of my dreams will be realized.  More than enough time to see if I will publish a second book or furnish the dream home that we finally have.  But what happens when there is no more time for anything?  When I am no longer left to ponder or speculate what may be because I now know what is?  This will be an extremely trying and emotionally draining time for me but never the less an opportunity to allow God to work within me.

What I have learned thus far is that I just long for normalcy and the mundane monotony of everyday life.  Generally speaking we, we being people, just find so much to complain about.  We are concerned about the small idiosyncrasies of life that really have no bearing on anything that is really important.  We have a knack for always finding something wrong with our families, our jobs, our cars and our lives that we forget to just be grateful.  Its not until we face something so life changing that we see just how blessed we are.  If we took as much time living the life we have instead of complaining we would be so much better off.  How unfortunate that it takes such a devastating trauma for us to find value in our lives.  No matter how much were lacking or do not have, be grateful.

So, for all of those who are reading this or have gone through this or a similar situation, it is my wish that you will enjoy your life for what it is and see it for what it is.  Not for what you want it to be, just for what it is and nothing more.  Be grateful, be blessed, Love God and each other everyday.

Hello

I wanted to start a blog because I thought it would be a good way of sharing my life with others who may be going through something similar.  I was a cancer survivor fourteen years until this year.  I found another lump on the same breast as before.  Hoping and praying to God please, don't let me go through this again.  Well that was not to be the case.  They tell you that after five years you can start to breathe with a little ease, not that the thought doesn't stay in the back of your mind, I was still feeling somehow, that I'd made it to the other side.  Now I have to do this again and I really don't want to.  Some say you should be okay because you have gone through this before.  What they don't understand is that this is why I don't want to do this again.  The needles, the medicine, the sickness that comes from the treatments; I didn't want to have to be strong and do this again but yet, here I am.  Despite my current medical condition, I've decided to use this blog as a form of therapy, sharing and hopefully a source of encouragement for others who may be facing a similar plight.  Perhaps a blog a day will keep the doctor away for both of us!

On a lighter note, I am, as the title of this blog implies a new author and so thoroughly blessed by God.  I have just published my first book "A Secret Letter to a Woman's Heart" that is now available at all major online outlets, bookstores and at my website dbainbooks@wix.com/dbainbooks.   I hope you will take the time to preview my first effort and feel free to comment.