Friday, October 19, 2012

Finding My Way

The last time I blogged, I talked about finding out about my breast cancer returning and my complete reluctance at having to face it again. Well, even though I am a child of God, I have faith and I know that God will see me through; it doesn't deter the human side of me.  I am finding that I am still frustrated, worried and in utter anguish despite my relationship with him.  I find myself asking, what possible reason could he have for allowing me to go through this again?  What is the meaning behind it all?  What would you have me learn Lord?

Not only did I have breast cancer again but it had spread to other parts of my body.  And if that wasn't enough to digest, there was also a really good possibility that it would not be operable or treatable, which would in all likelihood make my condition terminal; hence my questions to the Lord.  So, I have decided to go forward with a double mastectomy on this coming Monday followed by a chemotherapy regimen that I have already begun to take in pill form.  I realize it is a blessing not to have to have my port re-inserted just so I can sit for hours at a time and have poison pumped into my system, however it is little consolation right now.

I will have to undergo breast reconstructive surgery after I have healed; approximately 6 months to a year after this ordeal as well.  I have been advised by my physician that it will take at least 6-12 months to determine if the area on my lung and inside my chest behind my ribcage are still benign and shrinking in size.  It will certainly feel a lot longer than any 6 or 12 month period I've ever lived through before.  It'll be more than enough time to wonder if all the cancer has been removed along with my breasts or still running rampant in other parts of my body.  More than enough time to contemplate my own morality.  More than enough time to tell those near to my heart how much I love and appreciate them.  More than enough time to pray and talk to God.  More than enough.  More than enough time to wonder if I will be able to see my grandchildren grow up.  More than enough time to wonder if I will have the opportunity to grow old with my husband.  More than enough time to see if all of my dreams will be realized.  More than enough time to see if I will publish a second book or furnish the dream home that we finally have.  But what happens when there is no more time for anything?  When I am no longer left to ponder or speculate what may be because I now know what is?  This will be an extremely trying and emotionally draining time for me but never the less an opportunity to allow God to work within me.

What I have learned thus far is that I just long for normalcy and the mundane monotony of everyday life.  Generally speaking we, we being people, just find so much to complain about.  We are concerned about the small idiosyncrasies of life that really have no bearing on anything that is really important.  We have a knack for always finding something wrong with our families, our jobs, our cars and our lives that we forget to just be grateful.  Its not until we face something so life changing that we see just how blessed we are.  If we took as much time living the life we have instead of complaining we would be so much better off.  How unfortunate that it takes such a devastating trauma for us to find value in our lives.  No matter how much were lacking or do not have, be grateful.

So, for all of those who are reading this or have gone through this or a similar situation, it is my wish that you will enjoy your life for what it is and see it for what it is.  Not for what you want it to be, just for what it is and nothing more.  Be grateful, be blessed, Love God and each other everyday.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Deborah!

    I am glad I found your blog. I just typed you a full review of your book and it got lost when I tried to submit it.. dang computers. Anyway, I will try again. Thank you for the lovely dinner and inviting me to your beautiful home while I was in town a few weeks ago. It was a pleasure spending the evening with you and your husband and I hope you found the book, Cancer Fighting Kitchen. I sincerely hope you are feeling well today. I will get your number tomorrow because I want to call and see how you are.

    Today I read your book and I loved it. You have written a powerful book that is so dead on when it comes to the emotions a woman feels when going through infidelity. I started reading and could not put the book down until I got to the end. Kathy's emotional struggle is palpable. Your ability to get to the heart of the matter was refreshing. I don't think I have read a book to date that actually tells it like this book does. It is exactly what happens to a woman.

    You crafted the story beautifully and the raw back and forth emotion that Kathy experienced reminded me of my own experience so many years ago. I kept thinking, this is exactly how I felt. You question yourself, your life, your self worth, the way you are perceived by your lover, your marriage. Your ability to capture those raw feelings is wonderful. Your writing is phenomenal and I can't wait to read your next book.

    While reading the book I could feel her pain. When Kathy totally breaks down in the store with her friends after she received a call from her son, it moved me to tears. The phone call from someone that truly loved her and cared for her giving her his support would be enough to bring any woman that was suffering so to their knees.. and the moment was poignant. As Kathy hid waiting for Raymond with the knife.. knowing this is not her true self. was a great moment too. That is what infidelity by someone you trusted and love dearly does and lead to Kathy questioning her sanity throughout the ordeal. When you think everything in your life is one way and then learn that it is all a lie, the result is emotional hell. The real battle she felt between staying and leaving, then giving it to God and feeling like she was getting strong and confident only to revert back to confused, hurt and angry time and time again was beautifully told.

    It brought back my feelings so long ago like they were yesterday, reminding me of how much pain it caused and also how much strength I gained from it. Each page of the book showed your strength as a woman and as a writer.

    The only negative I had was the ending.. and that is solely because I wanted it to end defiantly, but I loved the ending just as much because that is not how life is. The poem was absolutely beautiful and so perfect. That is what it is all about isn't it? The power of love that someone has for a person truly dictates life decisions and is only known by the giver of that love, and not the receiver. If they truly understood that power, there would be no broken hearts. But that is not the way God set things up, it is faith and trust that binds us together, the love is just the part that keeps us picking up the pieces and holding things together through it all, if it is strong enough.

    Thank you for writing such a riveting story. Wonderful book and wonderfully written. This blog is wonderfully written as well and I hope you blog again soon. I can't wait for your next book! I am going to get your phone number and call you tomorrow to see how you are doing.

    Your friend and "near" family,
    Tanya (SC)

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