Valley Of Many Emotions

Here we are 2015 and thank God for life.  Still cancer free, living and enjoying those that I love.  Cancer survivors look at life in different ways.  We realize that things can not be put on hold or some things are not worth your health or peace. You realize that the quality of your life is more important. Even in that it does not change what you feel as you go on this journey.  You learn things about yourself and about those around you.  We sometimes make decisions with the information that we have. Never really knowing what emotions come with it.  So when the cancer came the second time, I knew that removing both breast would be the best thing.  In making that decision I was to get reconstructive surgery.  When my doctor found that there were two spots one on my lung and the other in  my neck area.  He advised me that it would not be in my best interest to do that. So many things could happen. One of the biggest things could happen is that I would get an infection the cancer would spread as a result and I would later die.  So then I had to readjust  my thinking. Now I will never be able to have breast again. Some will say well get over it.  I say to that for the most part I will, but every now and than I wish I had them. To feel more like a woman. To feel that I am desired when my husband looks at me. See when you can replace them with implants, you don't have to think about these things. When you stand in a mirror and apart of you is missing and your body looks deformed. There are so many emotions you go through. Even though you know that life is what you have and that is the gift of all gifts. You still go through these valleys and at times it makes it no easier. I did not think about the what if's.  What if when in your love making they are not there to touch or hold.  What if when your husband reach for them out of habit and realize that they are not there. What if you can not breastfeed your child. What if knowing that what you did was right, but you can no longer look at yourself. Some days it is just like that. How will you deal with these questions and so many others that plaque your mind. I have found that when you survive cancer you survive so much more than that.  It is a day by day journey. So for those of you who have love ones that have and are going through, just remember.  They are going through more than you know. Listen to the things they say, but make sure you hear the things that they will not say.  It is so important that they know. they are truly loved no matter what. Being there for them now is more important than you being there for the surgery or the treatments.  Continue to walk with them because some days we someone to hold our hand.