Valley Of Many Emotions

Here we are 2015 and thank God for life.  Still cancer free, living and enjoying those that I love.  Cancer survivors look at life in different ways.  We realize that things can not be put on hold or some things are not worth your health or peace. You realize that the quality of your life is more important. Even in that it does not change what you feel as you go on this journey.  You learn things about yourself and about those around you.  We sometimes make decisions with the information that we have. Never really knowing what emotions come with it.  So when the cancer came the second time, I knew that removing both breast would be the best thing.  In making that decision I was to get reconstructive surgery.  When my doctor found that there were two spots one on my lung and the other in  my neck area.  He advised me that it would not be in my best interest to do that. So many things could happen. One of the biggest things could happen is that I would get an infection the cancer would spread as a result and I would later die.  So then I had to readjust  my thinking. Now I will never be able to have breast again. Some will say well get over it.  I say to that for the most part I will, but every now and than I wish I had them. To feel more like a woman. To feel that I am desired when my husband looks at me. See when you can replace them with implants, you don't have to think about these things. When you stand in a mirror and apart of you is missing and your body looks deformed. There are so many emotions you go through. Even though you know that life is what you have and that is the gift of all gifts. You still go through these valleys and at times it makes it no easier. I did not think about the what if's.  What if when in your love making they are not there to touch or hold.  What if when your husband reach for them out of habit and realize that they are not there. What if you can not breastfeed your child. What if knowing that what you did was right, but you can no longer look at yourself. Some days it is just like that. How will you deal with these questions and so many others that plaque your mind. I have found that when you survive cancer you survive so much more than that.  It is a day by day journey. So for those of you who have love ones that have and are going through, just remember.  They are going through more than you know. Listen to the things they say, but make sure you hear the things that they will not say.  It is so important that they know. they are truly loved no matter what. Being there for them now is more important than you being there for the surgery or the treatments.  Continue to walk with them because some days we someone to hold our hand.

How We View Life

I am still here and God is given all the praise.  No matter what amount of medicine can keep me unless it is the will of God.  It makes you view life in a different way.  You try to live the right way everyday.  We all know that death does not give us a time it just comes.  I want to make sure that I do all that I can do.  We don't have to be well known in order to make a difference.  We just have to be willing to address wrong when we see it.  Strong enough to stand for what is right.
             Now for as long as time began man has been the ruler of many things.  There was a time when women had no rights and man could do whatever he wanted to her.  Then as time passed things began to change.  The way women were treated mattered.  What they thought and how they felt.  If a man left a woman, he could leave the children as well.  He did not have to be responsible to help take care of them.  Thank God for change.  That is no longer the case, but with that also came disappointment.  The way and the treatment of a woman was and in some cases wrong, but the wrong treatment of a man is just as bad.
          A friend who is a  father of a beautiful little girl had to appear in court.  Not because he was or is a deadbeat dad.  The mother of the child allowed another man to come into her life and feed the hatred that she had for this man.  She filed for child support, with a lawyer.  The both of them lawyer and client standing before the judge lying.  The sad part about that was he had all documents and bank statements to show that he had always been there and done for his daughter.  The judge being a woman, told him that it was about the money.  Again where was the integrity.  If it was wrong for men to do these things and more to women, then how is it justifiable for women.  How is it okay for you to turn into the very thing that you say you dislike.  There is no justice in what those three women did.
          They are no better than those men in time pass.  This woman at one time said that she loved this man.  What manner of love was it?  Not the kind that keeps you from doing wrong.  Not the kind that should keep you from hurting someone with a lie.  Definitively, not the kind of love that God demonstrates.  If God  delivers use from wrong doing, what is the point.  If we turn around and do the same injustice that was done to us.  If we can not stand and allow those who are wrong see the righteousness of God in us then, change will not matter.  Why ask for something that we are not willing or incapable  of doing.  Things just should remain the same.  We have to become the difference.  The change begins within us.

Part 2: Of Miracles Do Happen

If it does how will it come.  So my mindset began to change.  If it meant me giving up or losing my health insurance, so that another could have a chance at life like me then so be it.  I said that I believed in God.  That I trusted God, so that is what I had to do. Now I am back on the insurance,  I have been tested and the spot on my lung is gone.  My quality of life is better.  I give God all the glory, because not only did he show me; me.  He taught me that sacrifice comes in ways that we are not willing to give.  If we do these things for one another and trust God.  The things that he would and could do for us.  We must be life givers in order to be life receivers.  It has and never will be about Obama care.  It is about the giving of life.  So look hard into your mirror and see what you are.  A life giver or a life taker. Please write me back.  I would like to know what you think.

Miracles Do Happen

Hello,
     On this beautiful day that we all have not seen before.  On December 31, 2013 unbeknown to us, I would not have insurance in the coming year.  Now every year my husband has to renew on his job.  Thought all was taken care of.  The way we found out, when it was time to be tested again.  It could not be done for lack of insurance.  We all know going through cancer. One can not afford to do that.  The risk of not getting your treatment is great.  I became angry with the insurance company, because did they not understand what this meant.  then I was upset with my husband.  there had to be something that he did not do.  When he called they told him that they needed more paperwork, to verify who I was.  Now one would think that after twenty years there would be nothing to verify right.  They wanted to make sure that I did not have other insurance that could be my primary insurance and his be my second.  Now all of this came about do to the Affordable Healthcare Act, some of you call Obama care.  Now before you Obama haters go get you panties in a wad, listen.  The insurance company told us that it would be three months before they would approve my coverage, crazy right!  By the end of May I was back on the insurance.  Once that happen, I had to make an appointment with the chemo doctor.  test had to be scheduled. We had to find out if the cancer had spread any further.  Like I said earlier, I was angry that this would happen now, like really!  It was not until I became quiet, that I started to get some understanding.  See so many times we say with our mouth that we care for family, friends and people.  We talk about the good that we would do, if only.  When the opportunity comes along and we can do those things that we spoke of, then that is when the truth really comes out.  That is when we really find out who and what we are.  We are a people for the most part willing to do or give as long as it cost us nothing.  If it is on our terms, but that is no great sacrifice.  When you have to give in ways that you are not willing to give.  Then what is truly in your heart begin to come out.  When God begin to show me; me.  I became sorrowful in my heart and I had to repent. All I cared about was me.  See I found out that it really did not matter if others had health care or not.  It did not matter if someone else mother had a fighting chance with cancer.  It did not matter if a father or brother could get care for a heart condition.  It did not matter if a child got a chance to grow up and one day have a family like me.  But when you have to look into the mirror and what you see is not so pretty, and if you really want to be that person that you say with your mouth. Than you will change.  See the chemo was helping but at the same time I was suffering.  My quality of life was not that great and I had been praying to God, please give me a miracle.  Sometimes we don't know if the miracle will come.  If it does how will it come.

AMERICA : IS IT SO DIFFERENT?

       The last time I communicated with you, there was so much going on in my life.  There still is, and there are so many of us going through.  It is how we go through that matters.  As things happen in my life.  I look at the lives of other people from all walks of life.  There is such a great disappointment, because America has always called itself the American dream.  What kind of dream is it when the people that we elect to govern our country can not and will not govern it with integrity.  These leaders that we elect, who are always in the public eye.  They seem to think that it gives them the license to steal, kill and destroy.  Remember these are all characteristics of the devil and not God.  I know people will say well I do not believe in God, but yet most of the laws that we live by come from the bible.  So the point is and always will be, how should one govern themselves.  Yes, we all fall and mess up, but the things that these people do.  It tells you that they never intended to do any of the things they said.  My mom always told us if you don't stand for something then you will fall for anything.  The sad thing is they stand for everything that is wrong.  It is a privilege to be in a position, where you can be an example to people.  It is when they get in these positions that we began to truly see what they really are.  We find out that they have no integrity.  They justify what they do by saying.  If I don't get with them, than they black list you.  So I guess it is better to become like them, than to stand for what is right.  That means to sometimes stand alone.  "God said, that you have more with him, than without him."  I use to think that our government system was messed up, but I have found that it is not the system. But the people who are suppose to uphold it.  Please by all means do not just believe what I am saying, but look around.  Truly open your eyes and look.  Listen to what is being said and done.  They want you to focus on things that are happening in other countries.  While our country go to hell.  CEO's get a bonus for Christmas, but never really did anything to earn it.  While the people who should get nothing.  The potions of food we buy are getting small, while the prices are going up.  Minimum wage can not take of a family of two let alone four.  Hate is at an all time high, and it is no longer in just color, but for many different reasons.  People want to tell you how to rise your child, but will not pay for your child. Then will punish you and your child when they can not control them.  The school system says we don't have the money for your child to ride the bus.  Since they live within two miles they can walk, but when a parent let that same child walk a half a mile to the park.  They arrest the parent for child abuse.  Should not the school board also be arrested.  Kids are getting robbed on the way to school at gunpoint, should not our school board also be arrested.  When a civilian is killed the law will go after the person(s) but not with the same convention as for one of there own. America is turning it's back on God.  If we do not stop, do what is right.  Then we to shall become like Israel. Stop seeing what you want, but what is truly there.

Hello, everyone I know that it has been awhile since I last communicated with you. Due to all the drama and the return of cancer coming back.  When you get sick you realize how important just living is, but when you are faced with it again in your life.  You really began to look at life long and hard.  Death becomes more real to you, your death.  You find that you don't have time for the lies, and the deceit of people.
      When you look around, you find it anywhere and everywhere, even in the places that it should not be.  That is what my husband and I found in the Thomason Law Center. Attorneys should be people of integrity.  They told him that they would be able to help get the mortgage down to a price where he will be able to maintain and at the same time pay for our meds and doctor visits.  By this time he was on meds too.  Oh they did something but not what they said.  They got our money, they never followed through with him.  They made a deal with the bank.  They never called him and said this is what they are offering.  They would not even return his calls.  We are still no better off then when started.  Even though my husband told them that, what they offer would not help us.  Thomason Law Center just stopped working on our behalf.  This is how it works. Your house go into forclosure, the bank or mortgage company will not deal with you. The courts will not deal with you.   So you have to get an attorney.  They do enough to get paid, but not eough to truly help you.  Telling you congratulations on something they both know you will not be able to do.  Based on the information that was gathered.  So another date to sale your home goes on record again.  So now we must go another route in order to save our home.  If anyone have problems, please make sure that the law firm has integrity. Better yet make sure that they serve the true and living God, because if they do then, you know that they will do what is right and just.

Finding My Way

The last time I blogged, I talked about finding out about my breast cancer returning and my complete reluctance at having to face it again. Well, even though I am a child of God, I have faith and I know that God will see me through; it doesn't deter the human side of me.  I am finding that I am still frustrated, worried and in utter anguish despite my relationship with him.  I find myself asking, what possible reason could he have for allowing me to go through this again?  What is the meaning behind it all?  What would you have me learn Lord?

Not only did I have breast cancer again but it had spread to other parts of my body.  And if that wasn't enough to digest, there was also a really good possibility that it would not be operable or treatable, which would in all likelihood make my condition terminal; hence my questions to the Lord.  So, I have decided to go forward with a double mastectomy on this coming Monday followed by a chemotherapy regimen that I have already begun to take in pill form.  I realize it is a blessing not to have to have my port re-inserted just so I can sit for hours at a time and have poison pumped into my system, however it is little consolation right now.

I will have to undergo breast reconstructive surgery after I have healed; approximately 6 months to a year after this ordeal as well.  I have been advised by my physician that it will take at least 6-12 months to determine if the area on my lung and inside my chest behind my ribcage are still benign and shrinking in size.  It will certainly feel a lot longer than any 6 or 12 month period I've ever lived through before.  It'll be more than enough time to wonder if all the cancer has been removed along with my breasts or still running rampant in other parts of my body.  More than enough time to contemplate my own morality.  More than enough time to tell those near to my heart how much I love and appreciate them.  More than enough time to pray and talk to God.  More than enough.  More than enough time to wonder if I will be able to see my grandchildren grow up.  More than enough time to wonder if I will have the opportunity to grow old with my husband.  More than enough time to see if all of my dreams will be realized.  More than enough time to see if I will publish a second book or furnish the dream home that we finally have.  But what happens when there is no more time for anything?  When I am no longer left to ponder or speculate what may be because I now know what is?  This will be an extremely trying and emotionally draining time for me but never the less an opportunity to allow God to work within me.

What I have learned thus far is that I just long for normalcy and the mundane monotony of everyday life.  Generally speaking we, we being people, just find so much to complain about.  We are concerned about the small idiosyncrasies of life that really have no bearing on anything that is really important.  We have a knack for always finding something wrong with our families, our jobs, our cars and our lives that we forget to just be grateful.  Its not until we face something so life changing that we see just how blessed we are.  If we took as much time living the life we have instead of complaining we would be so much better off.  How unfortunate that it takes such a devastating trauma for us to find value in our lives.  No matter how much were lacking or do not have, be grateful.

So, for all of those who are reading this or have gone through this or a similar situation, it is my wish that you will enjoy your life for what it is and see it for what it is.  Not for what you want it to be, just for what it is and nothing more.  Be grateful, be blessed, Love God and each other everyday.